Faith, Fettle, and Fingerstyle Guitar
20 March 2026 • by Bob • Music, Health, Guitar
Someone shared the following video in a Progressive Rock forum, which was a great throwback for me. Here is Steve Howe playing "Beginnings:"
In the early 1980s, I used to play that piece (without the harpsichord accompaniment) as part my classical guitar repertoire.That piece, along with the following piece (Steve Howe's "Surface Tension"), were to have been audition pieces when I wanted to apply to college to study as a classical guitar major:
Those who know me realize that I eventually changed my plans, got married, became a dad, joined the military, and then became a professional geek in the computer industry. But I never gave up my love for the guitar.
However, Steve Howe's "Beginnings" in particular was a sad reminder for me of what once was. Not because I am foolishly pining for days gone by, nor am I regretting the decisions that framed my life and set me on the path that has led to where I am today. On the contrary, that video was a reminder of the fact that due to the slow progression of incurable hand tremors, there are many things that I cannot play now - nor will I ever play again - on the guitar.
Another piece that entered my repertoire prior to tremors taking over and occasionally rendering my hands useless was David Qualey's beautiful arrangement and variations on J.S. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring:"
Another piece that I recently tried to play - and failed miserably at - was Leo Kottke's "Rings." I will ashamedly confess that I used to sing this song when I played it, because it made the piece that much harder to play - and I wanted the challenge:
Shortly after tremors had noticeably affected my dexterity and before my official medical diagnosis of Essential Tremor, I attended a music festival in Evart, Michigan, with my good friends Mark Alan Wade and Randy Clepper, which - unbeknownst to them at the time - was my final hurrah as a "performing" guitarist. I had a blast joining them onstage for the last time, but I will admit, it was a bittersweet moment for me, because even without the diagnosis, I knew what was in my future.
It's been a decade since my symptoms first became unmistakably prominent, and I've adjusted to the fact that some days the simple things I used to take for granted - like eating in public - can be a challenge.
Occasionally I'll sift through the scores of classical and fingerstyle arrangements that I personally wrote, and I am often taken aback when I remember that not only did I write those arrangements - I could play them, too. When that happens, I am reminded, much like the piece by Steve Howe that began this dissertation, that part of my life has passed, and I am left with the decision of how best to adjust to my new reality.
A few days ago, I reposted someone else's thoughts on progressive christian theology, and in the ensuing conversations that happened on that thread, I spoke a lot about faith - and what happens when someone loses their faith. To be frank, when a neurologist looked me in the eye and said that I have a degenerative condition that may one day make it impossible to hold a pencil or a fork - that was a moment when I was forced to examine my faith.
I have often said that there are three ways that I can react to my condition: I can scream about it, I can cry about it, or I can laugh about it.
Screaming is where many people lose their faith. They scream at God. They scream at others. They scream at life. As is often the case with my condition, people scream at their hands for failing to do what the brain has instructed them to do. And while I will admit to occasionally screaming at my hands in a moment of frustration, this is not the path I commonly choose.
Crying can be therapeutic, but only for so long. Eventually you have to pick up the pieces of your life and move on, lest you fall into self-pity and depression. And here again I must admit that I initially mourned my condition by going through all five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. And this is where faith really comes to fruition: yes, my situation sucks, but I choose to believe that God has a plan that is reinforced through His Word (e.g. scripture).
This is why I choose the last of the three reactions that I mentioned: I choose to laugh, even when it seems illogical. My wife of 40+ years, Kathleen, has seen me laugh when I've failed to do the most basic of tasks that I have been able to do without error since I was one or two years old. And in all of this, I do not waste my time whining about whether this is "fair," because any notions of "fairness" are wholly subjective and utterly useless. It might seem unfair that I'm slowly watching my once-skilled hands as they continue to degenerate, but I am blessed in so many other ways. In short, as I said earlier, I trust that God has a plan, even though I cannot see it.
Bringing this conversation full circle, while it was sad to see and hear a guitar piece that I once enjoyed playing (but can no longer play due to unforeseen circumstances), I know my situation isn't the end of the world. I choose to believe that God has other plans.
Why Rick Steves is Wrong about Weed
27 June 2025 • by Bob • Health, Opinion, Science
My wife and I are big fans of travel writer Rick Steves. Over the years we've watched his travel shows on PBS, we always use his guidebooks as we travel throughout Europe, and we've been on a couple of his European tours (which are worth every penny). Because of our fanboy status, I follow Rick Steves on Social Media, and I was both surprised and shocked when Rick posted the following on Facebook earlier today:
"I'm a hardworking, taxpaying, churchgoing, grandkid-raising American citizen. And if I work all day long and want to go home, smoke a joint, and just stare at the fireplace for three hours... that's my civil liberty!" That's a line I use whenever I give a talk explaining my principled stance that all adults should have the freedom to enjoy marijuana recreationally and responsibly.
In a new article in Cannabis Now Magazine, Sara Payan - the best reporter covering cannabis I've met - reports on how and why, for more than two decades now, I've been on a mission to end America's prohibition on marijuana. Her excellent story, which is available at Rick Steves Talks Travel, Cannabis and Freedom, covers how travel has shaped my views on drug policy, why I believe in regulation over prohibition, what I've learned about Europe's focus on "pragmatic harm reduction," how the prohibition against marijuana in our country is both racist and counter-productive, and how you can get involved in drug policy reform. (Spoiler alert: Don't just complain about the status quo... join me by becoming a supporting member of NORML.)
I'm a travel writer. For me, high is a place. And sometimes I just want to go there. Can I get in my car and drive while I'm under the influence of a drug? No. Throw the book at me. But as a matter of principle, it's time we recognized the responsible adult use of marijuana as a civil liberty - not just in blue states... but in all states.
Rick's position is understandable: he's a cannabis user, and everyone who is behaving in a manner that others might perceive as wrong would love to see all restrictions lifted for their chosen vice. This mindset is what has led several states to overturn previous laws that criminalized marijuana use, but just because something has been made legal doesn't make it right. For example, adultery used to be illegal, now it's only viewed as immoral. In other words, adultery may be legal, but it's still regarded as unacceptable, because it hurts people. And it's the same thing with marijuana use; just because cannabis has been made legal in some areas doesn't mean that its harmful effects have been negated. On the contrary, numerous researchers in science and medical fields have published a wealth of peer-reviewed articles about the negative effects of recreational cannabis use, though this research falls on deaf ears because people want what they want, regardless of the consequences. (Which is why tobacco use has remained popular around the world despite overwhelming evidence that it's a highly addictive drug that kills millions of people per year.)
With that in mind, I felt prompted to respond to Rick's post with the following comment:
Myriad well-regarded, peer-reviewed studies and reviews have established a concrete association between marijuana use and various mental health disorders, and here are just a few examples:
- National Academies of Sciences (2017): This comprehensive review concluded there is substantial evidence linking cannabis use to the development of schizophrenia and other psychoses, especially among frequent users. (https://tinyurl.com/rbs6nwrd)
- CDC Summary of Mental Health Risks: The CDC highlights that cannabis use is associated with psychosis, schizophrenia, depression, social anxiety, and increased risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviors. The risk is notably higher for those who start using cannabis at a younger age and use it more frequently. (https://tinyurl.com/rbs6nwrd)
- Yale University Study (2025, Nature Mental Health): This genetic study found bidirectional causal relationships between cannabis use disorder (CanUD) and several psychiatric conditions, including schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and PTSD. In other words, not only can cannabis use increase the risk of these disorders, but having these disorders may also increase the likelihood of developing CanUD. (https://tinyurl.com/5evyj4u7, https://tinyurl.com/2a4x79zm)
- Columbia University Study: Teens who use cannabis recreationally are two to four times more likely to develop psychiatric disorders such as depression and suicidality compared to non-users. (https://tinyurl.com/j7p8eda6)
- American Medical Association (2024): Experts emphasized that cannabis use - especially high-potency THC - can worsen psychiatric symptoms and complicate treatment. They also noted that many people mistakenly believe cannabis helps with anxiety or depression, when in fact it may exacerbate these conditions over time. (https://tinyurl.com/4eurmmbm)
There are lots of other articles and studies, such as https://tinyurl.com/4e4nw8t2 and https://tinyurl.com/mrykvkph from the National Institutes of Health (NIH), that go into additional details, but suffice to say that cannabis use is tied to lasting psychological damage. However, as a professing "churchgoing citizen," I believe that you're more than aware that a sin nature wants what it wants, which is why you're advocating for a drug with a proven track record of harming people.
I fully expected a wave of negative feedback from the pro-cannabis crowd in response to my comment, but that didn't happen. Instead, Rick promptly deleted my response. Apparently, Rick doesn't like people presenting a solid argument that disagrees with him.
C'est la vie.
Accepting Assistance with Essential Tremors
25 October 2022 • by Bob • Health
I have written before about my experiences with "Essential Tremors (ET)" since I was initially diagnosed several years ago, and since then I have realized that there will likely be a time that's more difficult for people who suffer from ET to accept: when we have admit that our lives have changed and we need a little help now and again. It's not easy for us, because we all want to be self-reliant and we don't want to be a burden to others, but more than that - I think there's a part of us deep down that doesn't want to face the truth that things are different now.
Around the time that I was diagnosed with ET, pouring something with either hand would set off my tremors in major fashion, and one night as I was having dinner with my spouse of nearly 40 years, I couldn't pour parmesan cheese from a plastic canister over spaghetti. I tried with my right hand but the tremors were too strong, then with my left hand and the tremors were just as bad. After switching hands a few times, I set the canister down on the table and stared at it while I contemplated how I was going to handle the situation. My spouse had been quietly watching this story as it unfolded, and after a few seconds she broke the silence and asked, "Would you like some help?" I didn't want to say, "Yes," but in my brief moment of vulnerability I felt forced to say it.
I have said before that there are three ways that people who suffer from ET can choose to respond to our disability: we can cry about it, we can scream about it, or we can laugh about it... and this was one of those times when I wanted to cry about it, because I hadn't needed someone to help me feed myself since I was an infant. I was frustrated and embarrassed, though I had no need to be. My spouse clearly didn't mind - she was glad to help, and that was a learning opportunity for me. I had to learn to accept that my life was different, that I would need assistance for little things from time to time, and my spouse was willing to help.
My life has been considerably better since my neurologist and I were able to sort out the medications that I need to keep my tremors in check, so I seldom need my spouse to step in and save me. But still, there's nothing wrong with saying, "I need help" now and again.
Anti-vaxxers are Paranoid, Illogical, and Unscientific
25 October 2022 • by Bob • Politics, Health
There is an old saying that goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Likewise, there is a variant of that saying that has evolved over the years as, "You can lead a man to knowledge, but you can't make him think." This is especially true within the realms of Social Media, where any number of
That being said, I occasionally see something so ludicrous that I cannot remain silent, and though I know that my actions will do no good, I cannot resist the temptation to speak up, which brings me to the subject of today's blog. Despite 2½ years of a global pandemic that has resulted in millions of deaths around the planet, there are thousands of paranoid, uneducated saps who deny its existence or distrust the government's motivations where the pandemic is concerned. The following conversation details just one example of this type of mentality at work.
- ANTI-VAXXER:
- "The unvaccinated aren't dying. Just saying..."
- REBUTTAL:
- Literally millions of unvaccinated people have died around the globe... though apparently no one you know (but some people I know). That said, far less people died in the USA because we have some of the best medical care in the world. Thankfully, however, global fatality rates have decreased because the Omicron variants - while still easily transmissible - have much lower mortality rates than predecessor variants.
- Current numbers indicate that roughly 8% of the world's population has contracted COVID19, and the numbers will probably increase this winter as in the past couple years, and COVID19 will likely become an annual scourge like the normal flu season.
- ANTI-VAXXER:
- "The normal flu season also results in the death of 10s of thousands every year, except, it seems, when COVID was raging. Interesting how the head shed in dc has never been as rabid about normal flu season deaths as they are about COVID. Apparently, there's no political advantage to being fired up about deaths from flu."
- REBUTTAL:
- You've apparently missed the point that flu deaths were reduced during the COVID pandemic because millions of people across the globe wore masks, used hand sanitizer, practiced social distancing, quarantined people who were infected, stayed home as much as possible, closed businesses, etc. Personally, I think that some of those measures were an overreaction, but the reason why people were overreacting is that even though the flu typically results in the deaths of tens of thousands of people each year, from the outset of the COVID outbreak it was easy to project that millions were going to die from that disease when it was still at its worst. If we hadn't done anything, the number of COVID deaths would have been far greater - in other words, even though some governments overreacted, their results were nevertheless effective. The number of people infected with COVID were far less than they would have been, and flu cases were reduced as a by-product of the heightened awareness and preventative measures.
- To put things in perspective, the average number of annual flu cases in the USA from 2010 to 2020 was around 28 million, versus 97 million cases of COVID in the USA alone since its initial outbreak (and 628 million cases globally). However, the total number of deaths in the USA due to the flu for that same decade of 2010 to 2020 was 347 thousand, versus 1.1 million deaths in the USA due to COVID in two years alone (and 6.7 million deaths globally). In other words, the annual flu season results in an average of 32 thousand deaths per year, which is no small number, but COVID has resulted in an average of 440 thousand deaths per year. Putting that in layman's terms, despite all the preventative and/or over-reactive measures that were enacted, COVID still infected the population with a transmission rate that was several times greater than annual flu seasons, and COVID was considerably more fatal.
- But here's another interesting tidbit about diseases - as most people are aware, diseases mutate into new variants, and as a result, they often become less toxic with each new mutation. When you study the pathology for diseases that have rampaged humanity, they are especially heinous when they mutate and initially cross over the barrier from plants or animals to humans, which is when we sometimes see the highest mortality rates. But as some diseases continue to mutate, their lethality decreases as they are transmitted from human to human (though sometimes diseases mutate in the opposite direction and become more pernicious before eventually withering out).
- The history of diseases is replete with nasty outbreaks that eventually contain themselves, though to be clear - that sometimes takes decades (e.g. the Black Plague) or centuries (e.g. Yellow Fever), during which millions could perish. However, following the introduction of germ theory for disease in the 18th century and its global acceptance in the 19th century, we now know for the most part how diseases work - and we have spent the past two centuries building up our defenses and chronicling our discoveries, which helps us fight off major pandemics like the one we just encountered. That being said, make no mistake - if COVID had struck 100 years ago, the results would have been far more devastating than the 1918 Spanish Flu Pandemic.
- To sum up, there's no conspiracy here - it's simple science: if you take drastic measures to prevent the spread of one disease, you will more than likely prevent the spread of other diseases.
- ANTI-VAXXER:
- "Regardless, flu deaths were essentially ignored by the political agenda for COVID."
- REBUTTAL:
- Once again, that's completely untrue. Anyone working in any of the combined fields of science that were fighting COVID knew that anything that was done to prevent the spread of COVID would ALSO prevent the spread of other diseases like the flu, and anyone with a grasp of basic science - to include politicians - understood that simple concept. So the flu wasn't "ignored" during the pandemic - everyone knew that it would be contained better than ever before, which it was.
- However, the question that you MIGHT want to ask yourself is, "Why is the flu ignored when there ISN'T a pandemic?" Given the numbers that I shared earlier, the annual flu season resulted in an average of 32 thousand deaths per year in the decade prior to the COVID outbreak, so why isn't anyone paying attention to THOSE deaths? And once again, the answer is simple: they are. The CDC is actively fighting the flu, and does its best to predict the flu variant each year, and millions of flu vaccines are shipped around the country/globe to fight off the flu as a result. Some years the CDC does a better job of predicting the flu variant, and infection rates decrease as a result.
- However, according to the CDC, if you REALLY wanted to reduce the numbers of flu cases and/or deaths each year, you could... wash your hands, use hand sanitizer, practice social distancing, quarantine people who are infected, and even - [gasp!] - wear a mask. Of course, many people refused to follow any of those recommendations during the pandemic, so there isn't a snowball's chance in hell that they'll follow any of those guidances for the flu season. That being said, I've carried a mask in my laptop bag for years when traveling, and I've had no problems pulling that out and wearing it when someone seated next to me is horribly ill (and probably shouldn't have been traveling).
- In other words, despite your beliefs to the contrary, the flu wasn't ignored during the pandemic. On the contrary, the effects of the flu were greatly marginalized due to the extraordinary measures that were enacted to combat the pandemic. However, even when there isn't a pandemic, the flu is still in the cross-hairs of the people we have who fight diseases.
- ANTI-VAXXER:
- "From my observation of the political 'used car' salesmen during the COVID panic, it is completely true. Never once heard one of them mention anything in reference to the annual flu season."
- REBUTTAL:
- There was no need to mention anything in reference to the annual flu season during the COVID pandemic, because - as I just said - everyone knew that the annual flu season would be contained better than ever before because of the extraordinary measures that were enacted to combat COVID. There's no need to mention something that has been totally negated, which - for all intents and purposes - the flu was.
- Flu deaths in the USA for 2020 were so small that the CDC has no real numbers to report, and flu deaths for 2021 were around 5 thousand - which was 85% below the annual national average. However, in that same time frame, COVID deaths were literally 220 times greater (e.g. 5,000 deaths for the flu vs 1.1 million deaths for COVID). So, yeah - you didn't hear about flu deaths during the pandemic because it was essentially a non-entity statistically, but you heard a LOT about COVID deaths because COVID was killing people at numbers that were exponentially higher than the flu. And you didn't hear anything about trying to prevent the flu during the pandemic because - as I have said several times now - everything that was done to prevent COVID was ALSO preventing the flu.
- ANTI-VAXXER:
- "We will have to agree to disagree."
As I said earlier, this discussion typifies the point that I was trying to make; despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, this anti-vaxxer was incapable of seeing anything beyond his paranoid, unscientific, and illogical perspective.
What a sad indictment of the quality of scientific thought in the 21st century.
UPDATE: This post was edited to fix a small math error that was in the original.
Facebook Community Standards Suck, Part 2
31 July 2021 • by bob • Rants, Health
Just when I start to think that the collective level of ignorance that is shared by those who enforce Facebook's "Community Standards" cannot sink any lower, Facebook manages to surprise me yet again. And with that in mind, here's my story of the latest entry in Facebook's never-ending stream of social stupidity.
One of the anti-mask / COVID-deniers that I know posted the following the following disinformation image about vaccines to Facebook:
This image was another in a long series of paranoid posts from a person who believes that wearing a mask is somehow a violation of his constitutional rights, and COVID19 vaccines are part of a multi-national conspiracy involving the governments and scientific communities from every nation on the planet to inject him with microscopic mind-control robots. His point of view is, of course, nothing but nonsensical drivel.
With that in mind, here is what I posted in response:
The vaccines are safe, and here are the actual figures as of two days ago, broken down by country, population segment and vaccine: https://bit.ly/2Wp6BuH. So really, this is the image that you should be posting.
However, imagine my surprise when I logged into Facebook today and was rudely informed that my post has been taken down, while the original disinformation post was left.
Note: the reason for three comments was that Facebook refused to show
my response when I posted it, so I reposted thinking that was in error.
In other words, my attempt to stop misinformation about vaccines by citing actual facts from the CDC was blocked by Facebook's "Community Standards," and yet the misinformed, paranoid drivel that prompted my response was given a free pass by Facebook.
So if anyone from Facebook should happen to read this blog, I say this with all sincerity: your "Community Standards" people are rock-stupid, brain-dead, imbecilic morons.
Why Don't I Post about Bicycling Anymore?
22 June 2021 • by bob • Bicycling, Health
If you've read my blog posts over the past several years, you'll notice that one of the topics that I used to frequently post about is bicycling, where I would talk about my misadventures riding through the deserts near Tucson, AZ. However, a few years ago my posts ceased rather abruptly, so I thought that I'd explain why that happened.
I loved riding around Tucson in my teenage years, and I rode in other areas of the country as I moved from state to state. That being said, my favorite locale was Tucson, because the weather is amazing all year round, and the desert is a wonderful place to ride. The further I would ride out of town, the fewer cars I had to deal with, which made for an even better cycling experience. With that in mind, after I returned to Arizona in 2013, I became an avid road cyclist.
Shortly before I stopped posting about bicycling, I wrote a post about being diagnosed with a neurological disorder called Essential Tremor. My diagnosis didn't originally have an impact on my cycling, but eventually the disorder caught up with me.
One of my favorite routes to ride in the Tucson area was Saguaro National Park East, which had few cars, gorgeous desert landscapes, a one-way path, and several difficult climbs that kept me in shape. However, around a year after my diagnosis, hand tremors prevented me from braking during a rapid descent into a steep turn. I was coasting downhill around 35mph at the time, and I only managed to make the turn by unclipping one foot and jamming it into the ground to arrest my speed (although that technique is not advisable for slowing down). I pulled off the road once I rounded the corner and could safely bring my bicycle to a stop, and the surge of adrenaline combined with tremors left me shaking uncontrollably for quite a while.
Make no mistake, if I hadn't managed to slow my descent, I'd have been just another statistic in a long line of stories about cyclists who died after losing control of their bicycles. As a result of that near-death experience, I haven't ridden outside since.
Anti-Vaxxers are Anti-Science
08 April 2021 • by Bob • Health, Humor, Science
I like making fun of anti-vaxxers because they tend to be rather silly people who usually act on their uneducated emotions and staunchly refuse to listen to actual science; they're much like the whackos in the Flat Earth Society.
And with that in mind, the following video contains some actual facts about vaccines for anti-vaxxers to blissfully ignore as they continue their respective crusades toward reinstating the Dark Ages.
😄
Anti-mask Absurdity Strikes Again
02 December 2020 • by Bob • Health, Rants
Over the past several months, I've posted a few blogs about the silliness of the
Anyway, the
CDC Accidentally Admits Masks Won't Protect You From Coronavirus
Really? Are we still having this argument? Have all of the
First of all, no - the CDC did not "accidentally admit" to anything. The CDC has said many, many times that:
"Masks offer some protection to you and are also meant to protect those around you, in case you are unknowingly infected with the virus that causes COVID-19. A mask is NOT a substitute for social distancing. Masks should still be worn in addition to staying at least 6 feet apart."
(See https://bit.ly/3oeUdGf)
Masks are not 100% effective, and no one ever claimed that they were. Masks are just one of several deterrents that people should be using; e.g. masks, social distancing, washing hands, quarantining people who are infected, etc. In other words, if you're wearing a mask and you let someone with COVID19 lick your face, then you're probably going to catch their disease. However, if you happen to meet someone who was infected and you were wearing a mask, and they were wearing a mask, and you stayed six feet apart, and you washed your hands after you met them, then you probably aren't going to catch their disease. That's the same message that has been circulating for months: masks serve a purpose, but they are not a magic cure.
With that in mind, I have a public service announcement for all of the anti-maskers out there: please, please, please - for the love of God and all that is holy - please stop posting ridiculous
Wearing a Mask Could Be a Lot Worse
09 October 2020 • by Bob • Military, Humor, Health
I posted the following image to a veteran's forum with the following caption: "Whenever I hear people whining and moaning about having to wear a mask, I remember days like this, and realize why I have zero F's to give them."
Believe me, there's nothing like putting on a full chemical protective suit over your regular uniform, complete with gas mask, rubber booties and gloves, and then working outside in the deserts of Fort Huachuca (in southern Arizona) to make you realize that the human body wasn't designed to work in 100+ temperatures while wearing multiple layers of non-breathable clothing.
With that in mind, I would like to reiterate to all of the people who still complain about having to wear a simple mask for 15 minutes or so while they're shopping in a supermarket: "Just Shut Up and Wear the Darn Mask." In other words, get over yourself. Think about someone else for a change. Wearing a mask is a small price to pay for keeping the people around you healthy, and things could be a lot worse.
UPDATE: As I mentioned earlier, I had originally posted the opening joke to a veteran's forum, because I thought my fellow veterans would appreciate the humor. However, shortly after I posted this information, it was removed by one of the forum's admins with no explanation. As you can see, there was nothing even remotely political in this post, so all I can assume was that one of the admins is an "anti-masker" who took offense to the suggestion that wearing a mask during a pandemic isn't that bad. Oh, well... there's nothing that I can do about that. I guess some people failed to pay attention in their grade school science classes.
September 22nd is National Veteran and Military Suicide Prevention Day
23 September 2020 • by Bob • Military, Health
At the risk of Too Much Information (TMI), I'd like to share something that I've never talked about with anyone other than my wife.
Here's the backstory: a few years ago I was diagnosed with Essential Tremors, which is a disorder with hand & feet tremors that resembles a non-fatal form of Parkinson's Disease. I had hoped to retire one day and be able to tinker with electronics or play my array of musical instruments, but now I suddenly found myself in my mid-50s and facing the very real possibility that I might not be able to hold a pencil or a fork in a few years.
I went through all of the stages of grief; at first I was in denial, and then I was viciously angry at God. I kept asking Him, "Why me?" and "Why couldn't you just kill me?" It was humiliating each time I had to ask my wife to help me eat, or when I had to pull off the road and ask my wife to drive because my feet wouldn't do what they were supposed to. It was even more embarrassing when I was at a restaurant with family or friends and I kept missing when I tried to feed myself.
I eventually launched into a major depression, and all of this happened at a time when my job took a major nosedive; I was overworked and had a boss who had no idea who I was or what I did. As each day grew worse than the last, I finally reached the breaking point, and I want no sympathy for this - but I had my note written, I had all my accounts in order, I had all my passwords printed out so my wife wouldn't have to look for anything, and I had a noose all set to go. I'm great at tying nooses; I learned how to tie an ultra-secure noose as a Boy Scout, so I had everything tested and ready in our garage where I knew that nothing was going to fail on me.
I was literally within minutes of stepping into that noose when I was somehow distracted by something; to this day I don't recall what it was, but I stepped away and never stepped back.
I eventually found a doctor who put me on the right medications to manage my tremors, and I found a counselor to help me pass through the final stages of grief - from depression into acceptance. Now I look back at what almost happened and think, "Holy crap - what was I thinking?" But the truth is, when you're that depressed, you can't think. And you don't WANT to think. You just want it to end. In hindsight, I should have sought help sooner: I should have seen the doctor sooner, I should have seen the counselor sooner, and I should have told my wife that despite my day to day appearance, I really wasn't handling my situation.
When I think back on my time in the military, I realize that soldiers are taught to be completely self-sufficient, and I think that makes it difficult for veterans to ask for help. But if we veterans are honest with ourselves, we were never completely self-sufficient. In every duty station where I served, I was surrounded by awesome folks who knew exactly where I was at, and we all helped each other. Oh sure, there was the occasional jerk or two in each unit that we couldn't trust, but for the most part - we were surrounded by people who understood all the ups and downs that we were facing.
Now that my situation has changed for the better, I've found a support group for my tremors where I can hear from other people who have gone through what I'm going through, and it really helps. To be honest, that's also why I love a veterans group that I belong to. There are parts of my life that no one outside the fraternity of the Armed Forces will understand, like why I laugh out loud every time I see a yellow bird lying dead outside a window. But all of my fellow veterans get it.
To finish off this post, I'm doing great now - and I've learned to take each day one at a time. I don't mean to make light of anyone's burden, but I look at the following images all the time. The image on the right reminds me that I shouldn't try to do everything alone, and the image on the left reminds me that the same drive and determination that enabled me to endure and do amazing things in my youth is still there, and I can tap into that drive and determination in order to help me make it through the stupid things I face today.
